JMA

My Thoughts Corner

To Blog or Not to Blog?

JMA

Wednesday, May 13, 2015

     Well after so much deliberating and reading other blogs, I’ve decided to start one. I mean who knows there might be others out there that either understand what I’m going through or it’s just cheap therapy for me. This will allow me to “discover myself” (I’m told), to vent, complain, and well to just let it all out without blaming anyone, pointing fingers, having an argument or fighting.

     It all started in 1978….just kidding. I’m in the late 30’s, a husband (if I can still be called that), a father who was just recently asked by my wife that she needed space. So what does that mean? I know what I’ve done to hurt her and to be in this situation. Although, this past year I’ve been cognizant of what I had done and had no problem, no issue, in doing the “wrong thing”. What is this wrong thing you might ask, well it is something I am not proud of. I know for a fact that it’s not something I would like to be or be known as. So why did I end up doing it despite what I had? A house, a loving wife, kids, and for me that is really all that made me happy.

     This past year has been very rocky. After my “indecent behavior” and no I didn’t sleep with anyone was discovered by my wife, well it’s been a year of regaining her trust. My wife had gone through a previous marriage where her ex had been unfaithful. So she’s heard it all. Lies, excuses, etc. So when she found this naturally and understandably she felt betrayed. The illusion of a perfect husband was shattered. Although I did flirt and do what I did. I honestly didn’t want to take the step in meeting anyone personally. Though of course there is the argument that I eventually would have. So for this past year I’ve been more attentive, helped out more in the house. Although the helping out in the house is my nature. I do like to cook and weird as it may sound, I enjoy cleaning the house and consider it my stress reliever. It’s refreshing to come home to a clean and organized home.

     Ever since I was young I always envisioned myself getting married at thirty (Latino/Hispanic families cringe at the thought), have kids, home, a great career. I achieved it except here I am unemployed, working with temp agencies and struggling to find a permanent position that will allow me to provide for my home, family, and myself. So imagine the stress at home, we had just bought a home and had our first major repair. The main water line broke and the bottom level of the home flooded. Luckily insurance covered the inside and with that money we paid the plumbing to be replaced but have yet still to replace the flooring/carpet in the lower level. The temp jobs that I have received barely pay anything and we are barely making ends meet. My wife works full time and is now the sole breadwinner of the household. I am all for equality in this generation but still I do like to think of myself old school. If I could provide for my family in a way where my wife wouldn’t have to work, I would like that. Don’t get me wrong, she enjoys staying at home but she is a busy body as well. I wouldn’t mind her achieving her dreams, her aspirations, and broaden and grow her event/wedding planning business. So the stress level you could say is very high and on top of that add my infidelity.

     So this past year our relationship has not been the same, despite us trying to get back to where we were. It has been hard on her side for the most part since I was the offender. We have tried going to marriage counseling (she didn’t like the counselor so much) and just said I should go by myself. Since according to her I am the one who needed help. We have read books, redirect ourselves to spirituality and look for God. Though we have not gotten back to where we once were.

I miss my wife in the entirety of the word. We were living together but it seemed more like we were roommates. The love life is almost none existent. If we did end up making love, in the middle I would sometimes whisper I love you or words of affection and all I would get back is a smirk or I appreciate you. Or once the deed was done, she talked about how we are bad people. That we were being punished for our sins, transgressions, or just for some of life’s decisions we had taken while we were younger. Little by little I felt that our relationship is far from getting closer.

     In talking to older couples who have been together for over twenty years say that relationships take work and that you have to nurture it to make it grow. Despite transgressions, infidelity, child out of wedlock, etc. That at times it may be bleak or impossible but it is something you could work through if you love each other. I preoccupied myself with being there for her, listening to her, understanding her point of view. In the meantime I occupied myself with other thing such as listening to music, cleaning the house (I was unemployed), tending to the kids, cooking. Just overall trying to fill my life and mind with positivity. Here all I was wishing for was to find a good job and well get back to that feeling that I was contributing more. Providing for my family and giving my wife the ease of mind. Despite me working and demonstrating that I was working towards regaining the trust. The jokes of me moving out or finding someone else better occurred more often. Then it all came to head a couple weeks ago. There was no room to talk or discuss anything. Just wanted me to pack my stuff and leave the house. Even called her father to pick me up and take me where I wanted to go. I do not have a car (we were getting ready to purchase one and until a found a permanent job).

     So now I being asked to continue helping with bills while I have to figure out what I will do. I’m currently fortunately/unfortunately back at home with parents and figuring out my next steps. I’m just taking it day by day and well just dusting myself off and starting all over.